Raising brilliant kids

Does it surprise you that I made this all by myself?

I work at a very expensive prep school and am thus surrounded by gifted kids. Some of them seem remarkably normal but I can always tell. All I have to do is ask their parents. It would almost seem that we have bad charts as every kid at some point tests "off the charts". And it's not just a local thing (some studies would show that Florida children are in fact, not the best educated in the country....) I see brilliant children all across the country courtesy of Facebook and even have them for nieces and nephews. And as luck would have it, I myself am raising three towers of intellect! It seems to me that somewhere along the way, our nation of genius children somehow turns into a country of remarkably normal adults.

Weird how so many are off the chart

It all begins with a fundamental parenting formula:

Smart Kids = Amazing Parents 

(Which by the way is hotly contested by parents of the dumb kids).

It's such an easy, polite way to brag about yourself that we all pounce on the opportunity.
"Little Fred can recite French poetry while he practices the bagpipes" is really code for "Eat it Loser! Your parenting is an effing joke."

The stats race all begins as soon as you find out you're pregnant with the first kid. Mom's-to-be love to compare the numbers and the competition becomes absurd. I remember my brilliant (seriously, off-the-charts as a kid) wife losing it because our friend felt a kick first. Side note- that fetus is now 10 and my son Sam kicks his mother way more than Skyler kicks her mom now. Skyler and Sam actually shared a due date but you can probably guess, Skyler arrived TWO DAYS ahead of us. It was a nightmare, little Skyler's belly button carcass was long flushed while my son proudly hung on to the family shame. We lost the "who rolled or sat up first" race and it was traumatic as it became clear that as parents, we were the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Intimidated yet?

Fast forward a decade and with three kids, we have had a lot more bruises to our parenting ego and things are a little different. Now our kids are regularly stacked against their peers at school, swimming, scouting and even at the pediatricians. Despite the fact that intellectually we know that some things are not in our control, it's still always a competition. We have a total of 19 years of data and there are some things that are becoming very clear. I've compiled the stats for Team DeMotte and will report them to you so that you can see how your parenting, dare I say complete worth as a person, stacks up.

Bottom 0-20%
Height- Sam and Macey? Little shrimps. Abby is at the 95% for height but she's an outlier.
Room Cleaning- If there was such a thing as negative percentage, we'd find a home there. Sam is more like the bottom 40% but the girls room should trigger a FEMA response. Imagine a lawn sprinkler that spews out clothes and toys 24 hours a day and you should have a pretty good idea.
Bottom 21-40%
Haircuts- While this would seem to be an easy fix, we struggle with them. Sam is in a horrible hair gel phase where every day is a new failure, while Abby can't ever get chlorine (she's a swimmer) out so her hair is permanently crunchy.
Diet- My wife is amazing at shopping for organic healthy food only. However, her strategy has one glaring downside which is that my kids treat junk food like a meth addict treats, well you know, meth. They crave it, commit crimes for it, hoard it and go to war for it.
Middle 41-60%
Behavior- This category should be split into, "with us" or "without us" as our score differs dramatically depending on the situation. If they are in public and not entirely comfortable, they are the best. No temper-tantrums, no fighting, just perfect quiet shy behavior. Once they get more comfortable, little bits of badness erupt. When they are at home- it's game on. Gang style beatings, theft, vandalism and lying are all fair game.
Cuteness- Here's a particularly tough admission for me. My kids are of average cuteness. I deal with a lot of kids and for the most part, they are all pretty damn cute. Every now and then you get a snot faucet but pretty much there is a whole lot of cuteness out there to compete so it's not easy to score above average.
Upper 61-80%
Academics- This is an aggregate measure for sure. Sam was all B's last report card while Abby was perfect (but still in first grade so that's probably the norm). Macey is 4 and her rigorous academic schedule includes coloring and sitting. She can do both of those things like a champ.
Religion- Really dangerous ground here grading how churchy any kid is. However, all three seem to take to it and of course my youngest is pretty much both an evangelistic Christian and a pious Jew so that has to score bonus points.
Top 81-100%
Independence- Due to our bizarre lifestyle, my kids have a 50 acre campus to play on. They fully believe that the whole school is their bedroom and would wander it constantly if we didn't sort of keep a leash on them. They spend all their time with the teenagers that I coach and are much more comfortable with that age group than their own peers. I am not under the impression however, that any of this is good.
Driving- At ages 10, 6 and 4, they all have mastered driving golf carts. I am desperately hoping that some of the mistakes they all have made along the way are out of their system for good.
OFF THE CHARTS
Growing teeth- My kids can grow them some teeth! Due largely to my parenting, all three kids grew teeth almost immediately after taking their first breath. I was so proud of them (and my wife's determination to breast feed) and continue to be to this day. Now with every gift comes great responsibility and we've struggled with that a little as all of them have been either suspended or expelled from preschool for biting. But their true dental genius doesn't end with early growing. Nope, they lose those bad-boys and grow huge fangs way ahead of the curve as well.

So there you have it, our parenting successes (top 81% and above) and society failures (middle 80% and down).  I hope that in some small way this metric can help all those parents who are feeling a little out of the loop on exactly how above-average their children are.

Cat wrangling: 80th percentile